Revival of the Blog- not really for you, I just think I'm going to need it again for a while (you can try and decipher it if you really want to)

This college application thing isn't hard. No, it's excruciating. Well it's really not- but it's like, you know how they give you those art supplements if you want so you can show how "really I'm a sensitive artsy kid but like, on the side because school comes first and everything"? no? well hell if I know what I'm saying. I feel sort of out of control mentally. In this time and space. Anyway, like I think I was saying- my applications are all like giant supplements for me. My writing is my art- and all I can do to express myself is harp on how damn passionate I am about it but at the same time, I have to be good at it. Flawless maybe. I wonder how it is for my friends who want to be doctors or scientists or have no idea whatsoever. I mean, I'm sure they still have to come out with coherent sentences with good syntax which is hard enough in itself sometimes(even for me)and it's not like they get off easier than me or anything...but I am trying to be a writer here. So its like....I feel as if I'm being twice looked over....but not two consecutive times, twice at once- so... less consideration. I'm probably just paranoid. Yeah. I know I'm just paranoid. I'm thinking of like at least three people right now who would agree with that statement. Yeah. It's just...I'm not saying state schools are bad, because they aren't but I've worked hard. Right, I'm not your typical obsessive mustbestandingonyourshoulderswithmyA++ ivy league brat, in fact, I'm probably a slacker in comparison...okay, I am. But I've worked hard. School hasn't been wonderful for me but I'm passionate about what I want to do. I may have the math skills of a ten year old, but my every literary lightspark is recorded in poetry lines onto scraps of paper. I want to go somewhere else so I can write about it. And not just visit- I just want to live for a while. So point is, I want out of California. And, I want into New York (New School- Eugene Lang) Boston (Emerson) Seattle (Puget Sound) or if I have to stay here San Francisco (USF). Most of the apps were a snap. Well, all of them really, except Eugene Lang. And I'm not keeping a rank or anything....(but it's number one) go figure. I'm trying to tell them in an essay question why and how my heart lies in New York City and all I get is poetry. It's all I'm feeling. I actually came back to my blog just to look at my accounts on the city when I was actually in it. Looking at the pictures made my heart drop and it's just more poetry. So no help there. Ah well back to chipping at it. Since this blog was originally for the purposes of posting my work here and there I guess I'll just leave with this:

Least Expected

A voluntary exile I
Fled to a city of personalities none who
knew me knew my
white picket
roots.

A voluntary invite
somewhere a living room
beat blue couches we
waved at boys from
white window sills
called to people below I
didn’t mind the close proximity
of each brick tower they were full
of accounts who hadn’t
seen me I wanted to
know this place this New
York City but no
one wanted to go with a girl who
hadn’t seen it all before

A voluntary exile I kept
in my room fearing
the sticky stains on
subways and
seedy eyes me
men alone cop
TV shows

A voluntary invite I
pushed myself onto muggy
116
Broadway riding
the 1 to Chelsea and back

An involuntary exile I
got off in Harlem fog walking the
only way back through
foreign streets
but pausing
babies on bikes
Sunday smiles
pastel balloons at
a gate I found my
soul on a gray stone
stoop. I was finally

Home.


^one random day two summers ago in the city. My reasons for my future destinations can only be articulated in line breaks. oh to carry your heart in your pen....